Funny story.
A friend was at a conference and the speaker had a powerpoint slide that read in big, black, bold letters: PERCEPTION IS REALITY. Two seconds later I got a photo of it sent to me on my smartphone. "Fantastic." I replied sarcastically. "Did you tell said speaker your perception of his presentation? And how it only reinforces the idea that in your mind he's now officially the biggest tool ever?" Friends response, "Just shoot me."
Not going to lie. I got a little sad today. You know the lump in your throat kind of sad? That's what I got. And there are really only two people in this world that know how to comfort me when that happens, my mom and my ex. They have been my mac and cheese substitute... comforting me in a low calorie way for years, and I have always appreciated that, but now I'm on my own and learning to cope is definitely like navigating the beltway...you want to get off because you're just not sure where the hell you're going but at the same time, you know you're on it for a reason...or at least Googlemaps says you are.
Ever since I was 17 years old, "grownups" used to always tell me to "fake it till you make it." I wonder if that works or if that's one of those sayings that was invented to make you think there is actually a way to get over pain or sadness. Truth? He de-friended me on Facebook. I know, I know... I want to slap myself too but lets not forget that I'm a woman, so I am biologically predisposed to read WAY too much into this. Regardless, it still stings.
At the same time my mother did tell me I was looking great the other day. She hasn't seen me in a month. (The rents have been off traveling in Turkey for the last 30 days or so. *sigh) And the ladies at Starbucks who have taken a liking to me...or okay fine...my wardrobe, said the same thing. Actually this morning, while paying for my iced coffee, one of them literally announced to the entire morning crowd that I was single. You never think it's going to be that mortifying...until it is.
Later on this afternoon, I had a coworker come into my office to tell me I looked happy. Strangest thing. I am not appearing the way I feel. In part this is completely by design. I can not tell a lie. I carefully choose my outfit every morning as a form of rebellion against my own feelings. After all I am an Art Director by trade so it shouldn't be that shocking,...me...trying to control other people's perceptions.... but I am sad. I am torn up about everything. I am scared shitless. And everyone thinks I'm happy. So maybe it is working. Maybe there is something to faking it till you make it. Either way, I'm going to get up every morning, do my hair and makeup and put on a fabulous outfit on the off chance that one day perception just happens to turn into reality. In the meantime,...just shoot me.
You know where you want to be, but you have no clue how to get there. You know exactly what you want in life, but what you want is nowhere in sight. Perhaps your vision is unclear, your purpose still undefined. On top of it all, your relationships, particularly your romantic relationships, are failing. If these scenarios feel familiar way down in the deepest part of your gut -- then you, my dear, are smack dab in the middle of the meantime.
ReplyDeleteYour mother, bless her heart, and your father, with all of his good intentions, did not prepare you for the meantime. They did not because they could not. No one can prepare you or help you find what you are looking for. What you need is love, not romance. Love, not more money. Love, not a new car. Love is the only thing that can make the meantime worthwhile. Once you find love, true self-love, and unconditional love for everyone all the time, things will look, feel, and be a lot better. The question is: What do you do in the meantime?
Every living being wants to experience the light of love. The problem is that our windows are dirty! The windows of our hears and minds are streaked with past pains and hurts, past memories and disappointments. The windows are so clouded by fear, self-doubt, and inaccurate information that the light of love cannot shine through. In the meantime, we keep looking through the foggy window, trying to convince ourselves that what we see is the real thing. It's not, and we know it, but we can't seem to figure out what to do until the real thing comes along. What we must do is clean. We must clean the windows, floors, walls, closets, and corners of our mind. We must mop and sweep away the stuff that trips us up, keeps us confused, and makes the meantime miserable. We can do this thorough mental housekeeping. If we do a good job of it, the light will come through. Once that happens, our spirits will shine, bringing in the light of true love and happiness.
-Inyanla Vanzant